Just call me Grace

I'm really clumsy today. I shut my foot in the front door this morning, cutting it. I stubbed my toe (my cold toe) on the dining room table. I spilled coffee on the carpet. I dropped a bowl of tuna fish on the kitchen floor. And it's only noon.

I should probably just get some bubble wrap and wear it like a suit, and then sit in the corner.

So I've been lazy....

I haven't posted. Boo on me. I've been lazy. About posting that is. Been fairly busy other than that.

I added word verification because some Asian Spammer was posting random comments every day. Many thanks to Downtown Guy for his help with that issue. We were being invaded by the same person it seems.

Let's see. This weekend I worked at the Museum for my Mom, and then on Sunday I watched cute bf's hockey games. (Hi Honey! :)) He's quite good, and very fun to watch.

And this week I UPS'd (I deem that a word today) my packet off to the Maryland State Board of Education and fingers are crossed. I'd like to have a real grown up job that I feel proud of.

Ummm, today is rainy and cool and I'm sleepy. But I work the next 9 days straight so I'll just buckle down and be a good adult, all the while dreaming of a white sandy beach and a maragarita.

A homecoming

It's chilly out there. So I pull on the sweatshirt, soft and faded with time. Gather my things, lock the door. Make the .8 mile drive to my old high school. The field is illuminated under bright lights, and a crescent moon.

Parking in the old softball field, I step out of the car. Crickets underfoot. Blue and gold everywhere.

My God. It's been almost ten years.

And the freshman girls are so unsure of themselves. The freshmen boys are itching to hold a hand. I step through the gates and stare down the length of the field. It's the same thick, green grass I used to run on.

It's the same. But everything is different. I'm different.

The stands are full. The energy of pep rally pulsing through the crowd. Cheerleaders raise their arms. Kickoff.

I used to dream of getting away. Of being a great success. Of coming back older, beautiful, sophisticated.

Intermittently I chat with Mama, and share Twizzlers with Stepdad. And there are greetings all around, people lost for years, coming home. So we hug, and I feel their long lost love on the sleeves of my sweatshirt, and I know I'll keep it a while longer. Touchdowns are scored. Young couples pass holding hands.

I remember the bonfire. It crackled, and we watched the logs burn high, and bright.

And the little one I used to babysit is now in the marching band. This is the gift of a small town. This circle. This coming home.

I want to tell me, then, I want to tell her that she's everything she'll ever need already. I'd tell her she's strong, and bold, and enough.

I'd tell her to wear her heart on one sleeve, dignity on the other. And that friends will come, and go, ever changing. And boys will break her heart, but she will live through it to find something lasting,and real.

Leaving a little before the end of the game, working my way through the crowd. The sky black, the stars twinkling. Ten years ago I was a girl walking through a crowd. And tonight I'm a woman walking her own path.

It will all be ok.

TGIF

I'm doing Halloween crafts with the three year old.

Orange.Paint.Everywhere.

There is a spider named Jack, and a ghost named Tank. The three year old got sleepy right before nap time and put glue up his nose.

I'm ok with that.

And then I had a glass of wine

"I will do a good deed, " I muttered to the Universe as I tried to figure out how to attach the car seat to the stroller. I checked the clock. Forty minutes. That's how long I'd been trying to figure out how to use the "easy conversion stroller". Easy my ass.

Snap! It clicked into place. "Oh HELL YEAH!"

Shit. I woke the baby.

Oh well. We're going for a walk. I put this thing together and she is damn well going to enjoy it.

So we walked and within 20 minutes I was drenched in sweat, while she cooed and drooled and yup, there's that smell I know so well.

Cleaned her. Fed her. Burped her. Settled her into crib.

So. Hot.

Quick drink of water. Buckle down to edit article for friend. Shit. Forgot I had to FedEx something. Now baby is sleeping. Call Mom.

"Mom, how do I FedEx something?"

Patiently, as always, she explains something I should already know. But my brain just didn't feel like dredging up the information. That's what Mom is for.

We finish our discussion of all things boring, and shipping related. And she says, "So, you want to hear the latest family drama?"

(as if we haven't had enough)

Evidently, my youngest brother, Bullfrog came home from school yesterday and then headed back out on his bike to visit a friend. As we often do, he left the back door unlocked. Oh I know, in this day and age how could we? But it's how I grew up. No fear. Very little crime. I don't really remember hearing of any. I feel safe at my Mom's. It's quaint and quiet.

But.

When he got back to the house he saw a man walking through the back door. Thinking it may be his Dad, he followed. He called out but the man didn't hear him. The man made a beeline through the computer room, through the kitchen, and up the stairs to the master bedroom.

Bullfrog realized it wasn't his Dad. He called up the stairs, "Hey, who are you?!"

The man came barreling down the stairs mumbling something about looking for his shi-tzu and pushed past Bullfrog, running out the door and through the backyard.

And this is another reason why Bullfrog is a hero of mine. He managed to really look at the guy so that he was able to give the police a detailed, and accurate description of the man. I burst with pride when Mom told me this

And then I thought about what could have happened. It didn't. But it could have. But he is ok. And he won't be home alone for a while. Because this guy is still out there. Lock your doors. Hug your loves. Pass the wine.

Overscheduled much?

Recently I was trying to plan dinner with a friend, when I opened the calendar on my phone I was shocked to find that I didn't have a day or night free until November. However, there is SO much fun stuff coming up I can't complain. I can only make lists & plan (which I love to do anyway).

Meanwhile I start training tomorrow for my next half marathon so I'll be cramming that in at 4:30 every morning. My Mom used to call me a social butterfly. I guess some things never change!

It's rainy here in Maryland. Rainy, and gray. And I love it. It's still hot, very hot, this week making Fall seem a little less imminent. But it's here nonetheless. And soon the leaves will turn, the air will chill, and I'll pull out all my favorite sweaters, and gloves, and coats, OH MY!

What do YOU have coming up that you are looking forward to??

An Open Letter

To those I've loved, and lost. To those I've liked, and lost.To those I've known, and know no longer. To past acquaintances, friends, enemies, frenemies, and all others:

Recently my family has been through a string of events that no one would believe unless they experienced it. And while I won't go into the details (honestly, it would be exhausting) I will say this: anything could happen any day. People die, get hurt, fall ill, and with no warning. It's a cruel trick of God, or fate or the Universe. Because we are guaranteed nothing. As fast as lightning strikes it can all be gone.

And I say this all for a reason.

For those of you out there that I've wronged, intentionally or not, I'm sorry. And for those of you that have wronged me, I forgive you. No strings attached.

I'd rather live my life free of judgment, grudges, blame, and guilt. And so, I'm setting it all free. The past cannot be ignored, but it can be put to rest.

And to the people out there (you know who you are) who once claimed to be my friends but suddenly as the wind shifts, disappeared....well...that was your choice. And no matter what you think, or feel, or say about me, it won't change a thing. If you ever needed anything I would be there. And I hope you know that. I'm not asking for your friendship. I don't need it. I hope you find the happiness, the peace, the success, and the kindness we all desire.

I am a VERY lucky person. I have a great life. I want for nothing. And because of this I'm ridding my soul of all the poison.

Please, be nice to each other. At least try not to hurt each other. Inflict as little pain as possible. And forgive. And do what makes you happy. It makes a difference. Your joy spreads, like ripples on a pond. Even the smallest pebble makes a wave. And anger? Oh anger spreads even faster.

Think about it.

Tiffany

A weekend in pictures

Breakfast @ Cracker Barrel on our way to PA. Our little tradition :) And according to the brain teaser, we are both "dummies." Eh. I'm ok with that.

Loved it :)

This is where I yelled to cute bf, "You keep going. I'll be here. Alone. In the woods. You're gonna feel SO bad if a black bear comes to drag me off to be his bride."
He replied with a huge smile, and said, "I'll miss you!"

Fire tower. We climbed. It shook. Amazing view.

Logging waterfall.
The guest record book. Account such as, "It smells weird in here", and "we had a really 'romantic' honeymoon."

Crossing the bridge to Seneca Point.

Horses!! I never stopped loving you.

Cute bf enjoying a cigar by the fire. His version of heaven.

So pretty.

Oh deer! At the Double Diamond Deer Ranch (I wake up every morning and see deer out my window, so I'm aware of the silliness of paying to see them) But still, so fun!

Snuggles.

Sign read, "Yes, I am poisonous" I think certain people should have to wear such a sign.


Fire the last night. "A f***ing badass fire," said cute bf.

Linger in your light

We're back. Against my will. I wanted to stay. As cute bf said, "I could live like this." Simple as that. A tiny one room cabin. A fire when the sun goes down. Searching for Orion's belt in the night sky. Wondering if a roaming black bear, or a curious deer ate the apples from the front yard.

You're damn right baby, I could live like that.

We drove up Friday morning through winding mountains, taking in acres of corn, soybeans, and herds of cattle. We could not have asked for better weather. 75 each day, and 40-45 at night. Perfect Fall.

Oh hell. I'm trying to give you a play by play of the weekend. But that's just not going to work. Here's how it was:

Like floating in perfectly calm, warm water. Easy. Gentle. The most peaceful vacation I've ever had. Like sitting here now, on a Monday morning before work I feel sad. Because I want to go back. I want to ride my horse Rebel through the forest with cute bf turning around to wink at me every so often. I want him to make me another egg sandwich in the tiny kitchen while I read and marvel at a man who cooks for me, and does this dishes. I want to stroll through a tiny shop, and talk about the weather and who hand painted the ornaments. I want to feel cold stream water slip through my fingers again, and laugh at minnows swimming in circles.

I'd like to curl up in a blanket by the fire, and talk about how excited we are for his new job, and how lucky we are.

I'd like to climb rocky outcroppings, and laugh just to hear it echo back at me, my joy multiplied by thousands.

And mostly I'd like to sit, quiet and still with my favorite person while the birds sing, the water flows, and the life moves all around us.

I'll post more pictures later. For now I have to get ready for work, and the real world. And everything that doesn't make sense. I am being cranky, and wishing that I could do exactly want I want, not what I have to do.

So I'm smiling, and pouting.

Let the weekend begin

The funeral was last night. Ugh. 'nough said.

Today is my Friday. We leave for Sugar Pine Cottage in the Black Forest tomorrow morning. Our cabin is right along the Clarion River in Pennsylvania. We found this out of the way place while driving home from a visit with cute bf's family up near Lake Erie. We took the scenic route home and when we drove through Black Forest and saw the tiny cabins nestled in trees we looked at each other and said, "We need to come back here." And so we are.

The cabins are lovely, wooden, and near so much yet still secluded. We have planned a sunrise hike to Fire Tower, horseback riding through the mountains, and weather permitting a canoe trip along the river followed by a picnic on the banks.

There's no tv. There' s no cell phone service. No internet. I'm thrilled. I need a technology fast.

In the meantime, I work today, have a million loose ends to tie up, and need a good night's sleep. A five hour drive awaits us.

How lucky am I though? A weekend with the one I love, and a new place to explore. I'm grateful.

Enjoy your weekend!!!

Catch up

Cute bf's grandma died.
Uncle Chris's appendix ruptured, he didn't notice. He's a man of steel. We almost lost him.
Mom's brain is still, well, behaving badly.
Gram had a diverticulitis attack.
I saw a man fly off of his motorcycle, and into the middle of an intersection.
Cute bf is preparing for an amazing new job which I can't tell you much about as he works for a government agency here in D.C. But man am I proud.

And there's more. But that's enough for now. So yes, we've been busy. How have you been?

Did ya ever feel like you want to gather up everyone you really love and put them in a big room together? Cause that's how I feel. I have love scattered here and here. So many people, so different but all vital to me. And this morning I was just so happy driving to work, feeling so lucky, that I thought how lovely it would be to bring them all together and let them meet. And oh the meal I could cook. The stories we could share. I want to miniaturize them, and put them in purse. I will carry their love around with me all day, everywhere I go.

And for now, please excuse me. The baby I nanny for has an ear infection, and I promised her extra snuggles all day. And really I can't think of anything more important than that.

I will explain.....later :)

30 days

So have you heard of Morgan Spurlock? If not, he's the guy who released the drama "Supersize Me", where he ate McDonald's for every meal for 30 days. It documented the traumatic results of that diet.

He then went on to do a few seasons on Fx doing all different things for 30 days.

And I like the idea. So I'm adopting it.

I have given up drinking (started yesterday officially 9/9/09). Now, I'm by no means an alcoholic, but I do enjoy a glass of wine (or 5) or a few beers on a frequent basis. In addition I spent A LOT of time in college (like the majority of college students) out at bars, or parties.

Since I have a goal of running another half-marathon this year it's time to really get back into running and working out hard 6 days a week. This should give me the boost I need to drop a few pounds and make working out more effective.

I'll be keeping you posted on my progress and the social situations I encounter along the way.

Anything you want to try?

A little funny for ya, honey

Yesterday morning I left cute bf's house early. I had to go home, shower, change and head down to Mom's by 6:30. You see, Stepdad is in the hospital so I was to get the Bullfrog off to school and then head to work.

While getting ready I glanced in the full length mirror and saw a spider crawling up a stray piece of hair in my ponytail. And since I have arachnophobia my reaction was this:

*BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM*

Then I ripped a chunk of my hair out.

But I couldn't locate the spider. Where the hell had she gone? Where? In my ear? My shirt? IS SHE LAYING EGGS IN MY NOSTRILS? My god the panic.

So I ripped my tank top off and stood there, sweating, hair askew, topless.

"Come here little spider, I won't kill you."

And then I saw the tiniest flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye. There she was, crawling every so slowly against the baseboard. I edged away grabbing my sandal from the floor and POUNCE!!!

But the little bitch just scampered away. Stubbing my toe, I let out a string of prison worthy curses.

I got out my flashlight and lit up my room, the hallway and bathroom. But I couldn't find her.

I crept slowly into the bathroom across from my room. Still sweating. Still topless.

As I went to the sink to brush my teeth I had the skin prickling feeling of, something is watching me.

And there she was. Crawling across the threshold into the bathroom. All the time in the world.

"Ohh, good show old girl."

Love, loss, and a little bit of joy

Cute bf's grandma died last night. Pain is funny. It comes suddenly while you get dressed for work. In waves, and sheets like late summer rain. He felt it out of nowhere. So we called out of work and did what you do in times like these. We watched Discovery, ate good food, drank some good wine/beer and laughed. We dealt with the practicals during the day. You know, funeral home, florist, flight times, etc.

This evening we had a great, and relaxing happy hour with friends. But every so often I would look over at Cute bf and see worry lines creasing his forehead. A little darkness under his eyes. And I would feel hollow in a way. All empty inside. Because there is nothing I can do to fix that feeling. So we ate and drank, and felt and didn't acknowledge. Because grieving is so utterly personal and lonely.

But this, and this alone I know tonight: that life is so freakishly beautiful. That it is fleeting and painful. It is everything, and nothing all at once. It is being kind yet strong. Hopeful, yet safe. Joyful, mournful, loving, sexy, wondrous,all lit up inside, and tears that flow like the Amazon.

And through it all there is this: the enduring feeling of, "It will go on long after I'm gone."

So be. So love. So eat. So drink. So feel. So taste. So do. So think. SO LOVE.

I'm fed up with idiots

Ms. Moon over at Bless Our Hearts wrote an excellent post on the Obama speech to schoolchildren. I suggest you read it over.

What do you think?

My take is this: President Obama is the President of our country. He is the acknowledged leader of this free nation. The majority of us chose him. And as with any president, we should afford him the respect that his position and accomplishments demand.

He's black you say? Who the hell cares? IT DOES NOT MATTER.

And when will some of you out there, you know who you are, the narrow minded, fear filled, panic fanatics. When will you just give it up already? One day we'll all be gray anyway. Our cultures will blend, and meld and wash together like a red sock in a load of whites.

If a meteor were to strike, who would we demand help us? Obama.

If swine flu (unlikely) took over this Earth, who would we look to for help? Obama

If we were invaded by Iraq, who would we want to urge Congress to declare war, to protect us from actual harm? Obama

So we look to him to save our lives, but shudder when we think of him speaking to our children.

The message that we are sending our children is, do not respect this president. Be afraid. He's a liar. He is not to be trusted.

Motherfucker.

What is this world coming to.

The message of "Stay in school, do your best" is innocuous, but has the potential to affect lives. What if one child, of mixed race (and aren't we all of mixed race?) heard that and said, "If President Obama can do it, so can I," and stayed in school, wouldn't it be worth it?
Resoundingly: yes.

To use fear as a motivator is cowardly. To say that he will push his agenda on the children of America is tantamount to calling him a bad person, and bad father. Have you seen the way he is with his children? Love like that cannot be fabricated. And he and Michelle, as real life parents, would no sooner harm their children than yours. Think about it.

He's on a long, and difficult road, and I'm sorry for all that they are having to endure. But endurance and faith is just what this country needs. And if you are scared because he is different, think about this, on your first day at school or a new job what do you want?

To fit in. To find someone that makes you feel a little less alone. To do a good job, be respected, and comfortable.

Afford that same opportunity to the person that is going to be in charge of saving your ass should the world come crashing down around us.

Friday night lights

See that? That's a high school football game. My Alma mater. My brother plays on the team. So we all went to watch last night. And is there anything better than a Friday night high school football game? Clear sky, full moon, biggest crowd I've ever seen.

But it made me wistful. And I was jealous. I want to go back. I didn't look like the high school girls I saw there though. So trying to look important, with too much eyeliner and skirts that rode a little too high on the thigh. Everything in high school is SO IMPORTANT. At the game it's who you sit with, what "he" says about you, and where you go after. Everyone had a cell phone. Everyone was texting. (We didn't have text when I was in high school) I'm glad of that.

There is such a thing as too much communication.

But it was nice to be there. To remember when I played soccer and lacrosse on that very field. The shouts of fans, the whistle trill in the late summer air. Something about that place will always sit on a little pedestal in my mind. Because it defined me for a time. I was an athlete. I had a purpose. And god it was fun.

The girls paraded by, impossibly beautiful, impossibly thin. The boys watching them, acting like they didn't care but oh how they do. And this time, I got to watch it all, my honey by my side and not a worry in the world.

I think I miss it a little, but not very much at all.

UPDATE

Bank of America fees are up to $315. IN FEES.

I have sent an email, engaged in an online chat, and have been on hold trying to reach an associate by phone for 5 minutes.

I will not stop until these are ALL REVERSED.

In the meantime: DO NOT OPEN ANY ACCOUNTS WITH BANK OF AMERICA.

Jumbled. Random. Sporadic. Purple?

I hate Bank of America. They are crooks. Lousy, rotten crooks. $280 in NSF fees for a BANK ERROR. And no one will correct it. I wrote the CEO.

***********************************************************

I love VivePro Shampoo & Conditioner by L'Oreal. You're damn right I'm worth it. (But they only cost $2.99 each, so what does that say about my worth?)

***********************************************************

This Fall-like weather makes me want to curl up in sweats on a front porch swing. (With a mug of hot chocolate laced with peppermint schnapps)

***********************************************************

I played outside today with a three year old who makes my heart melt. I love sticky fingers, and after nap snuggles, and all of that. Maternal. Urges. Cannot. Be. Ignored.

***********************************************************

I dropped my laptop on the hardwood floor. It seems to be fine. I'm not ashamed to admit I kissed it.

***********************************************************

I feel extraordinarily blessed to have found someone who loves me just as I am, and that I feel the same for him. Last night we debated a scene from the classic Western "Wild, Wild West" with Will Smith (Please note: Excessive use of irony and satire sustain me. You've been warned). In the end we agreed, kissed, and changed it to Planet Earth. My God I want a monkey.

***********************************************************

I've lost interest in food. That worries me. I heard on the Today show that after 3 bites of any food your tastebuds get bored. I think they heard that too. Shit.

***********************************************************

I ate pringles dipped in peanut butter for dinner. Because I couldn't be bothered to open a can of tuna fish.

***********************************************************

Every woman should be loved raucously in her life. Crickets legs symphony noisy kind of love. Rain on the tin roof, dripping into gutters kind of love. Midsummer firefly lamp, magical kind of love. Heart wrenching, soul mending, stumbling kind of love.

***********************************************************

I believe in the power of the written word to move people to tears, to action, to change. I would surrender my pen, and my keyboard if I didn't.

************************************************************

To me, Target is one of the best places to while away the hours. It has everything. And I love to price check. I price check things just for the RUSH of it coming up On Sale. I need a fix.

************************************************************

I love Reba McEntire's new song, "Consider me Gone". Consider it an anthem.

************************************************************

I've been called a catalyst for change numerous times. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel akin to a tornado. Here I come. Watch out. Everything's about to change.

************************************************************

Life. Live to the heighth, and width, and breadth of your dreams.

Let me explain

I added the donate button. Yeah...

Here's the thing. I'm digging myself out of a large hole known as: Student Loan Land & Bad Decision Boyfriendville. It's awful. And I'm working 7 days a week to make money, and keep saving (because lordy lordy how important that is). And I'm thinking (courtesy of Damomma ) that if everyone could donate just ONE DOLLAR. Just one each. That it could help immensely. And I can even set aside some to go to charity. I know we're all in a tight spot. Oh God I do. I see it everyday. I feel it everyday. But maybe, if we help each other a little bit, we can make a BIG difference.