Love, loss, and a little bit of joy

Cute bf's grandma died last night. Pain is funny. It comes suddenly while you get dressed for work. In waves, and sheets like late summer rain. He felt it out of nowhere. So we called out of work and did what you do in times like these. We watched Discovery, ate good food, drank some good wine/beer and laughed. We dealt with the practicals during the day. You know, funeral home, florist, flight times, etc.

This evening we had a great, and relaxing happy hour with friends. But every so often I would look over at Cute bf and see worry lines creasing his forehead. A little darkness under his eyes. And I would feel hollow in a way. All empty inside. Because there is nothing I can do to fix that feeling. So we ate and drank, and felt and didn't acknowledge. Because grieving is so utterly personal and lonely.

But this, and this alone I know tonight: that life is so freakishly beautiful. That it is fleeting and painful. It is everything, and nothing all at once. It is being kind yet strong. Hopeful, yet safe. Joyful, mournful, loving, sexy, wondrous,all lit up inside, and tears that flow like the Amazon.

And through it all there is this: the enduring feeling of, "It will go on long after I'm gone."

So be. So love. So eat. So drink. So feel. So taste. So do. So think. SO LOVE.