On my way home

On my way home, I usually pass the library. Then there's the mall, and then eventually the wide open field where the horses run. On my way home I sit at red lights, sometimes green.

Today I stopped off at the minute clinic. My teeth ache. And when my teeth ache I usually have a sinus infection. But since I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, the Doctor pronounced, "Congratulations! It's a double sinus infection!" And I would have smoked a cigar or something but I don't smoke, so I just asked him for some drugs.

Today I stopped off at the grocery store. I wanted applesauce. Maybe it's because my teeth hurt. Or maybe it's because I saw the baby eating it today, and it smelled so sweet and simple I couldn't get it out of my mind. But either way, I wanted it. And walking through the bakery I peered at luscious cakes and sexy muffins and stayed strong. I didn't give in to their sugar seduction. Rounding the corner a small, frail boy stood, ghostlike in front of me. His head was wrapped in a green kerchief. (Mom remember that? You looked hot in yours)
So there he was, and there I was and it was only he and I in that moment while I took him in. The shiny shiny scalp I knew was under there. The hollow, dark eyes. The lost, slightly foggy post-chemotherapy gaze. And I just stood. But so did he. His Mom appeared, slowly pushing a cart filled with cookies, and candy, and shrimp. I imagined her saying, "Anything you want honey, anything at all." Because he must not be able to keep much down. And he looked like he was dying. And if my child was dying I'd do anything to take the darkness away, even for a moment. We moved on, me nodding to him. I wish it was me. Because he couldn't have been more than 14. And what a life he could have ahead of him. What could he accomplish? Who is to say that what I do would be more or better? I would take it from you right now if I could.

We parted. And my head ached from the damn infections. And I felt the good mood start to deflate, but no. That's not right. He needs all the positivity I can muster. This Universe needs more love. More good. More right. More happy. So I let it come, and fill me like light. And I turned back and he was staring at me. Mouth closed, eyes wide, lifting his hospital bracelet hand in a tiny wave. So I found my smile, and blew him a kiss.

We're all on our way home.