Troubleshooting

9:10pm

Error: Make sure all cords to and from modem are plugged in properly. Click NEXT when ready.

I click NEXT

Error: Make sure POWER button on modem is set in ON position. Click NEXT when ready.

I click NEXT

Error: Check that COMPUTER is plugged in. Click NEXT when ready.

I click NEXT

Error: Check Firewall status. Set to DISABLE. Click NEXT when ready

I FREAKING click NEXT.

11:27pm

Error: We appreciate your business. At this time the Verizon network is unavailable to download the needed software. Please check back later!! Thank you.

Calling Verizon's Customer Service line...

"Hi, my name is ******* ****, and I'm calling from *******, MD. I spent over two hours trying to download the needed software to install the new internet and at the end, I was told the Verizon network was unavailable. What the hell?"

"Oh ma'am, I am so sorry for the inconvenience. I will transfer you to the correct extension. Please Hold!"

"WAIT!! DON'T TRANSFER ME....***at Verizon we strive to provide world class customer service*** Bastards!!!"

"Thank you for calling Verizon. My name is Khadim, how may I help you?"

"Khadim, please don't transfer me or I will eat my own eyeballs. I was attempting to download the software for my new internet when..."

"Ma'am, I do apologize for the inconvenience, but as you know we are experiencing some technical difficulties. I do truly appreciate your patience..."

"But I'm NOT patient. I want it fixed NOW. Do you hear this??? I am actually eating a pen. That's how frustrated I am."

"Ma'am, at this time, I do not recommend eating a pen. Please remain calm. I will transfer you to our Troubleshooting department. Please hold!"

"KHADIM!!!! YOU WILL REGRET TRANSFERRING ME. I HAVEN'T SLEPT OR EATEN IN TWO DAYS. I CAN'T CHECK MY E-MAIL (except for the 9 hours I'm at work) AND I'M PRETTY SURE I FORGOT TO SHOWER TODAY."

***Verizon is here to meet all of your technology needs, from phone to internet we provide one stop shopping...***

"Mother Hubbard!!!"

"Thank you for calling Verizon, my name is Khandahar, how may I assist you?"

"Khandahar is it? Look punk, I'm not explaining myself again. Where is Khadim? He can tell you all about me. I just want my internet to work. Fix it. Now. Please. And if you transfer me, so help me God I will come over there and sing show tunes until your ears bleed."

"Please hold for my Manager."

11:53pm

"This is Khadim, how may I assist you?"

"Wait, is this my Khadim?"

"Ma'am?"

"Is this the Khadim I talked to before?"

"Ma'am, I do apologize, I'm not sure to what you are referring."

"Oh never mind. I give up..."

"Ma'am we appreciate your patience with this situation. We are experiencing technical difficulties."

"I know ALLL about your technical difficulties. Please, please, just let me go to bed now. I give up. You win. I will learn to live without Internet. And while we're at it, I'll just live without electricity, and the WHEEL AS WELL. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?? I WILL BE REDUCED TO A DIRTY, ANGRY, CAVE-DWELLING, CRUDE-TOOL-USING, SHELL OF MY FORMER SELF!!

***dial tone***