Don't ever lose that light

"Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down
Friends will talk about you when you're not around
Reality can really cut you down to size
But don't ever lose that light in your eyes
Don't ever lose that light in your eyes

People make you promises they'll never keep
Soon you'll know why people say, "Talk is cheap!"
Life resembles one big compromise
But don't ever lose that light in your eyes
Don't ever lose that light in your eyes..."


It's been tough around here as of late. And in trying to make sense of it all, I've realized something; that while life is filled with inexplicable moments of "why?" it is also filled to the brim with "BECAUSE."

Meaning? That for everything that happens there is a dual reaction. We question it, but in the end we have to find the purpose.

My Mom is sick. For those of you who don't know her, she is a spitfire. She is heat on ice, and a lighting storm. She is teardrops that fall like rain at a sentimental song, and a depth of strength no ocean can match.

So when the doctors say those words. Well I say, "why?" And then I sit, and I think and I feel, and I know. It's because we have so much to learn as participants in this universe.

We need to learn more kindness, more compassion, more gratitude, more sticktoitiveness. We need to learn that time flies, and yet sits completely still if we choose not to embrace it.

It's been recently that I've realized how absolutely I need to surround myself with people that energize, and cultivate the very best parts of my personality. I need to be around positivity, and love, and kindness, and all those intangibles that seriously matter. Because negative people are poison. They sneak in and dance roughly on your sensitive soul and make it hardened. Negativity breeds negativity and I simply cannot tolerate that. Nor will I.

It is quite simply the only way to live: choosing each day to be happy and to make the most of every moment.

In the end? Nothing remains but the love. So keep your nasty words to yourself. I don't care about the mean thoughts trolling through your head about me or anything else.

Your anger is your own.

But by God if you want to laugh with me, or need a comforting shoulder, then curl up next to me, friend.

Happy "Those Guys Freakin Kick Ass" Day

My big brother is a United States Marine. You know what that means? He's a hero. He's my hero.

And the millions of men and women, in all branches of service, are heroes.

I'll call him sometimes on the phone, and say, "What's goin' on? Haven't heard from you in a while."

And his response? Well his response just about sums it up. There's a pause, and then his deep, powerful voice over the sometimes static line....

"I've been busy. Freedom isn't free you know."

Fragility and strength

I'm home today with viral pink eye. I'm home today cleaning, organizing, working out. I'm home today as if everything is normal. But it's not.

My Mom is very sick. And I am beside myself with worry. I never really understood that saying until now. But I am quite literally having an out of body experience. I, the physical body, am carrying on as normal. I'm doing my laundry, taking my showers, answering emails, and living. But I, the emotional, and spiritual body- I'm a wreck. I'm sitting beside my physical self weeping and worrying. I have never felt this duality before, and I hope never again. I suppose it's a coping mechanism. And for now, it's working. Because no matter what, life freaking goes on. It seems cruel. Don't these people know our pain?? Why don't they stay home and hug their kids? Why isn't the world stopping so that we may all wear pajamas and eat cookies from the bag, and say I love you even when it is those very words that leave you open and vulnerable to hurt.

Why? Why to it all...

Beyond all of my questions, I know this to be true: I love you Mom. And there's no way you're going anywhere until you see me walk down the aisle. Until you kiss my newborn babies.

Until I'm damn good and ready to let you go. And that? Well that will be never.

In dreams

I had a dream last night. I was living in an apartment complex. It was dark, and the air was musty. Each room had a large vent that led to a series of ducts connecting all the rooms together. Someone was always coming into my room and I lived with a fear of attack. They slid in silently under the cover of night, forever night. And I could hear them rustling outside in the bushes. I could see faceless figures running through trees. And I sat huddled in a corner, waiting. But they just kept coming in. And you know, they passed me by. They never laid a hand on me. I was safe. And eventually I figured a way out. I summoned my dream courage, stood up, and took one step, then another until I had found a window and shimmied my way down a pipe to the ground leading to a road, and a car.

I woke up this morning with a knowing. Ever had that happen to you? Where you just know. It doesn't matter what it is you know, just that you know it, with conviction. And that road, and that car? They were there waiting for me.

I just had to have the courage to look for them.

She taught me that it's ok to get kicked out of church for laughing

Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.
~George Cooper


Happy Mother's Day. I love you Mama.

Everyone needs a little Sunshine in their life...

(actual text message conversation between Sunshine and I yesterday)

T: Um, I don't really know what's going on in our lives lately. but it needs to stop

S: dude it's a series of full moons, curses, and hoodo, i swear

T: I want to quit life for a while

S: me too! i need a month to sedate myself and hibernate!

T: there will be True Blood episodes, vodka, and some sort of young, delicious pool boy to wait on us hand and foot

S: the sun will tan us (no burning) and chocolate will be calorie free. headaches will not exist. neither will *******.

T: And we will call it Somalia, or North Korea. you know, something exotic.

S: or communist russia! red china!

T: Happy freakin' cinco de mayo

S: haha. I forgot to get drunk before work. fuuuuuck.

(1 1/2 hours later)

S: well, at least I just spilled half a bottle of water on my crotch while driving the bus. i'm just glad this lucky streak continued...

Chasing the years of my life...

My parents separated when I was 16. It was warm outside. At the dining room table my Mom told us things just weren't working out. I honestly don't remember anything she said specifically. Just that lead weight feeling in my stomach. And then I was in my room packing my life. I grew up in that room. I used to dance around on the hardwood floors in my barefeet instead of napping. I got ready for my first middle school dance in that room with April. I painted that room purple, and mint green. I had a cherry tree outside my window that dropped bitter, red fruit too early every year. And I would rearrange the furniture when things seemed a little complicated my life. The floor is scarred because of me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they divorced. They weren't happy. And the only thing I want for the people I love is this: to be happy. But it took away a family that I'd had for 16 years. It took away the long drives to Connecticut to visit the Aunts, and Uncles I so love, and so miss. It took away Christmas eve with all the lights off, and just the crackle of the wood stove. God I loved Christmas eve. So much promise of the magic to come.

It took away the third step in the staircase that creaked, the smell of blooming dogwoods, the basketball hoop where I perfected my foul shot, and the inexplicable feeling of having something to come home to.

But it wasn't all loss. Oh, not at all. It was so much more. It was learning that I am strong. That my Mom did what she thought was best even though she risked comfort, safety, and security. The separation, the move, the heartache, the eventual divorce: well it taught me that love, real love, conquers all. My parents still love me, and I them. And really, I can't think of any more important lesson I've learned so far in life.

It's raining in Baltimore baby...

I ran through puddles in my fanciest high heels this morning. I forgot my sensible shoes. And I forgot to be sensible in general. So cute boyfriend and I ate a breakfast lunch and watched the rain fall, content to be in one anothers company in a way that only a couple can understand. With a shared laugh, a casual wink and holding hands, fingers meeting in the middle of the table.

Last night was loud music, local celebrities (I hugged Alex Ovechkin!), and new friends. It was a trendy DC bar, shiny jewelry, and me floating high above even the loveliest, lightest clouds. Because I'm in an atmosphere all my own right now. Where time, and space don't exist. It is neither too hot nor too cold. It is sweet smelling, slow moving, with the graceful scent of lillies and ever expanding hope.

When I sit, years from now, rocking my grandbabies on some peeling paint porch abounding with potted flowers and honeysuckle breezes, I will look back on these years as the finding me stages. The loving me time. The let me just hold your hand days. And I will smile and say, oh you should have seen me then. I certainly had a time. I danced until my feet hurt and I had to just kick off my shoes and feel the ground beneath my feet. I drank sweet cocktails and felt the peace lace its way into my veins gently. I ate a piece of chocolate cake that made me grateful to have tastebuds on hyper alert. And I loved. Because when tomorrow comes, I want to say, thanks for the chance to do it again. I lived the hell out of yesterday.