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There is a fundamental gap between my brain, and my mouth. My brain to hand conduit however, is seamless. I can think, then type, and they match. But when I think then talk it's a four car collision of words.
I prefer to text rather than phone. Email rather than chat. Sit in silence rather than risk saying all the wrong things. Because I do in fact, say a lot of wrong things.
Oh to be mute.
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If no one else cared what I did, or what I looked like I think I would do what I do and look like what I look like. I have no problem with being a nanny, or the way I look. But sometimes I let myself get bogged down in others disappointments, expectations, and the constant demand to be something, and to look a certain way. I don't ever want my children to feel like that (if I'm blessed to have them).
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Oftentimes I will write a post, and then delete it because it's just too real. I think it's my best writing. But I just can't put that much out there. So I reign it in, make it lighter and hit publish.
4 comments:
Make a secret blog to put all your real stuff on. And give me the address (hee hee).
May- I like that idea! You could be my super-secret-journal-jiminy cricket or whatnot.
The problem? You don't get to decide how your children feel. I was all full of plans for how my children would not feel what I used to feel, and they do. All you can do is love them and try to do your best. Shame, really.
I like May's idea. And send me the address, too.
As to # One you wrote: I was at a friend's house last night and there were just a few of us, all people I know and love and while I was talking I got that "shut-up, shut-up, shut-up!" message from my brain and usually that happens when I've had a drink but no, I was perfectly sober and yet, the brain-mouth connection was not working and I finally did just shut up and then I felt like a SILENT asshole.
This is why I do not go out in public very much.
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