Have you ever looked around your life and thought, "Boy I really fucked that up" or "I can't believe I accomplished that" or maybe even "I so don't deserve this". Maybe we all have. I hope so. I guess there's something to be learned from all of those situations.
So this week I have been sick. Can't catch my breath, losing weight, fever, exhaustion, just want to curl up in a ball sick. And today I feel better. I'm not 100% but I'm starting to come out of the haze and focus again. And that's the good.
And then there's the other. I called my Dad and he told me my Grandfather is very sick and in the hospital. And quite frankly, my family really needs to stay out of hospitals. When you can find your way around without a map you've spent too much time there. So we don't know much but it could be leukemia, or his heart, or both, or wow. And I've got to say that I used to look around when these events would happen (and boy do they happen) and say, "Ugh, not again. I can't believe this. When will it all stop?" And the answer is: never. It won't stop because this is the stuff life is made of. This is the seesaw. Sometimes the little skinny kid with pigtails is on the other end and you're way up high in the clouds looking out over your kingdom, feeling tall and sure. And just then when you've found your balance, Helga, the school bully gets on and drives that seesaw, and you, straight into the dust. And so it goes. Up and down, forever. The way we handle the up is just as important as the down.
You see I just recently found a solution to a problem that has been hanging over my head. And it is a pleasant and easy and lovely solution. It is obvious as most decisions are. But I didn't know how obvious until very recently. And without that sitting there on my shoulders I felt taller and stronger and able to tackle the everything else of life.
And then I saw Helga.
And damn Helga. Damn her. Because she's always around. Just waiting to screw with your day or the day of your friend, or family member. So I was just about to yell at her, or throw her a good right hook when suddenly I realized, she's going to be with me forever.
There's no pleasure without pain. No hope without despair. No loss without gain. So I didn't punch Helga (or anyone else).
But I really wanted to.
2 comments:
My Helga was named Faye. She still haunts me, she still reminds me I ain't shit and never will be and that she can keep me on this seesaw until I die.
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