HAPPY HALLOWEEN YOU CRAZY GHOULS!!!!

(be safe)

Wow

No words for this (Borrowed from Ms. Moon)

SITE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Peanut butter between my toes

This morning I was hurrying to make my lunch and leave the house on time. I scuttled down the stairs, laptop bag slung over my shoulder, mental checklist in my head.

Dropping my bag on the kitchen floor I grabbed a yogurt out of the fridge. Heading to the counter I glanced out the window over the sink. The sun was just beginning to reach the tops of the trees. A hazy glow fell over the field out back and I thought again, how pretty it is where I grew up.

I grabbed the bread next, and made half a peanut butter sandwich. Turning left, I tossed the knife in the sink, glancing again out the window.

But this time, a woman's face, cocoa colored with wide eyes stared back at me. Seeing one too many horror movies lately I was convinced she was a ghost with unfinished business, come back to haunt me. So I did the obvious thing.

I dropped the sandwich. On my foot. And yelled at the top of my lungs.

Waving wildly, she yelled back, gesturing at some device in her hand. I stepped backwards feeling the bread under my feet, the peanut butter between my toes. Tripping over my laptop bag I braced myself on the wall oven as I watched her pointing this thing at me.

Clearly a device from another world. Alien? Impossible. Or....

It was then I noticed the orange, flashing light. I stumbled into the dining room to peer out the window into the driveway. And there, idling peacefully was a little, white SUV emblazoned with a logo that simply stated: BGE electric.

And she? The crazed ghost/alien woman? Was nothing more than a mere meter reader on her morning rounds.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Maya Angelou: Touched by an Angel

This calls for a cocktail

So has this ever happened to you: There you are just living your life. Waking up. Drinking that coffee (or bourbon) ,heading off to work, paying the bills, when suddenly you realize...

Oh shit. This isn't what I want.

I like to call this my quarter life crisis. What I'm currently slugging through. What this exhaustion is signaling. What my dreams are telling me. What that little voice in the back of my head is SCREAMING.

This isn't what I want.

So I'm a little pissed off. At no one in particular. (except...uh...me) And the "man". Cause he needs some blame today. And I've started taking steps in what is MY right direction. I'm saying to hell with what others think. To hell with their expectations, disappointments, and dreams for me. I can't live for anyone else. And that's what I did for a long time. My fault. I accept 100% responsibility. And that's why it's up to me to take the reins on this proverbial horse and change direction.

Are you confused yet? Good! Me too! I live my life in a blender where everything just swirls around me, and I'm always narrowly missing the blade.

Needless to say I'm on a mission. A few missions. And I work best under pressure. Being the underdog suits me. Any given Sunday and whatnot.

So here's to a rainy Wednesday. Here's to text messaging making long absences more bearable. Here's to grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. Here's to being able to laugh everyday no matter what.

And here's to beginnings.

Holy Moley

Last night I visited the lovely people at Severna Park laser. Why? Because for some time now I've ignored a mole on the left side of my face. A mole that I've had for as long as I can remember. A while back a doctor mentioned that it looked worrisome; that maybe I should have it biopsied.

I tried to ignore that. No news is good news, right?

But finally, I realized that something had to be done. And I made the appointment. And here's where things get....well...a little controversial. My insurance will not pay for the procedure. So I had to pay $400 last night, for a procedure that took 6 minutes, start to finish.

Oh it's not the Doctor's fault. No no. He and his staff were kind, informative, and helpful. They put me at ease and assured me that they'd done this thousands of times. They earned their money, fair and square.

So I lay on that bed, in attractive protective goggles , as the Doctor cut into my face with a laser and removed the offending mole.

Basal cell carcinoma. A common skin cancer. Easily dealt with. (which I am thankful for, of course)

What I am NOT thankful for are the monthly premiums I pay to an insurance company who quite frankly suck. They cover almost nothing. I didn't have an extra $400. I really didn't. Who does these days? And what it comes down to for me, and so many others is that I simply cannot afford to be sick. And I'm lucky that this time, I dodged a bullet (or a melanoma, in this case) But I'm still pretty pissed about that $400.

So when so many people out there are railing against health care reform, I get angry. Because I need and you need and we all need to take care of ourselves and our loved ones. I don't have the answers. I really don't. But I do have a lot of stress, a lot of frustration, and I bet you do too.

This post can't solve any problems. Maybe it just added one more to the blogosphere. But that's life. And we're all smack dab in the middle of it. Just trying to muddle through and make the most of a life that is sometimes wonderful and sometimes stressful.

Love; at the center of it all

This weekend I got to see my lovelies, my ladies. We talked over drinks in Federal Hill. We watched a parade of costumes head upstairs to the early Halloween party and met some fascinating people. I do love to talk to everyone. I really like meeting new people. A brief 15 second or 15 minute chat can be so fun, even informative. So we talked to them, and to each other. Sharing the old and new stories. And I was reminded how lucky I am to know women of spirit and character and strength.

Cute boyfriend came home briefly in between trips. I was sick all weekend but got to spend Saturday with him. I ate chicken noodle soup, and ice cream while we watched movies and I watched him pack again. He'll return on Halloween. But Saturday was one of those perfect days. And I know how much I love him, and how much he loves me. So this week will go by, and we'll spend next weekend together. And that is something to look forward to.

I'm busily preparing for my upcoming interviews. I've got those knots in my stomach, those anxieties and worries that come with taking on something so challenging. But I'll prepare, and make my lists and on the day when I walk in, the fear will disappear and I will know that I can do this. I will do this.

The leaves are changing. I cannot believe how on fire the trees are. Or that we're still expecting weather in the 70's this week. But I love it. And I love Fall, when things are going dormant, and the sun wanes in the afternoon. Today is a Monday. Much like any other. And that in itself, is something to be thankful for.

One of my favorite four letter words: FREE.

Thanks to a contest, I won a FREE night at the Sheraton North Hotel in Towson. I'd like to say many thanks to the Sheraton for exemplary customer service and a lovely night! The room was beautiful. And if the wine opener hadn't broken off in that bottle of red, we would have enjoyed it I'm sure.

(working on my next post. Have laryngitis now so since I can't talk I'm writing double)

On my way home

On my way home, I usually pass the library. Then there's the mall, and then eventually the wide open field where the horses run. On my way home I sit at red lights, sometimes green.

Today I stopped off at the minute clinic. My teeth ache. And when my teeth ache I usually have a sinus infection. But since I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, the Doctor pronounced, "Congratulations! It's a double sinus infection!" And I would have smoked a cigar or something but I don't smoke, so I just asked him for some drugs.

Today I stopped off at the grocery store. I wanted applesauce. Maybe it's because my teeth hurt. Or maybe it's because I saw the baby eating it today, and it smelled so sweet and simple I couldn't get it out of my mind. But either way, I wanted it. And walking through the bakery I peered at luscious cakes and sexy muffins and stayed strong. I didn't give in to their sugar seduction. Rounding the corner a small, frail boy stood, ghostlike in front of me. His head was wrapped in a green kerchief. (Mom remember that? You looked hot in yours)
So there he was, and there I was and it was only he and I in that moment while I took him in. The shiny shiny scalp I knew was under there. The hollow, dark eyes. The lost, slightly foggy post-chemotherapy gaze. And I just stood. But so did he. His Mom appeared, slowly pushing a cart filled with cookies, and candy, and shrimp. I imagined her saying, "Anything you want honey, anything at all." Because he must not be able to keep much down. And he looked like he was dying. And if my child was dying I'd do anything to take the darkness away, even for a moment. We moved on, me nodding to him. I wish it was me. Because he couldn't have been more than 14. And what a life he could have ahead of him. What could he accomplish? Who is to say that what I do would be more or better? I would take it from you right now if I could.

We parted. And my head ached from the damn infections. And I felt the good mood start to deflate, but no. That's not right. He needs all the positivity I can muster. This Universe needs more love. More good. More right. More happy. So I let it come, and fill me like light. And I turned back and he was staring at me. Mouth closed, eyes wide, lifting his hospital bracelet hand in a tiny wave. So I found my smile, and blew him a kiss.

We're all on our way home.

And then I punched him

The radio d.j. was talking about your personal "Haunted House". You know, what would really scare the wits out of you. So I started thinking about how I've never actually made it through a haunted house. I can barely make it through a semi-lit house. I cover my eyes during scary movies. And God help me, when cute boyfriend shuts off the lights and hides (because my blood curdling screams AMUSE him), I almost pee my pants.

So my personal haunted house would be dark. And have people lying in wait. There'd be spiders of course, and scorpions. And that weird sound alarm clocks make right before they go off. Oh, and clowns! They are NOT funny with their too-much-makeup and sad but happy look.

One time, my college roommates and I took off to a town in Pennsylvania. We'd heard that the whole town transforms itself during October, into some sort of ghoulish fantasy land.

I wasn't thrilled.

So there we are meandering through town (which is just past the foul smelling paper mills. and if there is a smell worse than that, I've yet to find it) and we find ourselves outside of a haunted house.

*sigh*

But everyone is going. And no, I wouldn't jump off a bridge if all my friends were doing it, but I agreed to attempt this sinister looking haunted house.

So we walk in. And it's creepy. I'm in the middle of the group, huddled low, gripping the sweatshirt of Matt in front of me. When suddenly....someone grabs me.

And you do NOT grab me. I don't know you. And the group keeps moving...WITHOUT ME. So I scream. And I yell. "Take your mask off. Take it off now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And I stunned the poor guy so much that he scrambles and I can hear him trying to talk. But it's dark, and I don't know where I am or where they are and I'm screaming. And then ...

I punched him.

It's not rational, but I wasn't in a very rational place right then. When the guy takes his mask off he looks normal, and surprised. I apologize and pivot to leave in utter embarrassment. But I can't find my way out, and so he has to escort me. Just as we part he shakes his head and says, "Nice right hook." And walks away.

Evening

My ears are red. And when my ears get red, there's trouble brewin'. So I'm layin low tonight and watching tv. I miss the cute boyfriend so much. He takes good care of me. But we talked 3 times today so that should help a little.

On a bright, bright note I scheduled my interview with Baltimore City Public Schools. I am apprehensive about this school district, but trying to have an open mind. It's a 6 hour multi-faceted interview, so I've a lot to prepare for!

I'm going to lay down now and just rest. Hopefully the germs will disappear overnight.

It's Tuesday

He sweats, and crawls around the floor for an hour. Piece by piece it comes together.

It is: The Tree Stand.

Oh yeah. Requires capital letters. He pulls out all the camouflage, knives, tools, hats, and gadgets. He puts the tree stand on his back to demonstrate its portability; his stealth through the imaginary woods.

And he's off! To hunt with my Stepdaddy up in Deep Creek. And it's big in a few ways because it's our first time really apart. I'm missing him, sure, of course. He's my best friend. But I have a to-do list a mile long and a busy couple of months coming up so it's good "me time".

And it's big because he's the one for me, and he's off with my Stepdaddy. And they'll talk, and bond. And wow. Hope he doesn't end up in a shallow grave somewhere marked by a few rocks and a headstone that reads "He wasn't QUITE good enough." But I know he is and they are going to have a great time, and bring back some big bucks (the animals, not the crisp bills)

Right now I'm going to scoop up this baby and blow kisses on her belly and encourage her little legs and arms to work together for that first forward movement. So close to crawling and her frustration is sounded out in grunts and farts and sniffles and whimpers and giggles.
And I love it!

And I love you Cute Boyfriend of mine. Have fun!

And then I read this...

"....she suddenly has a revelation. The revelation is this: her life could be simple if she'd let it be simple. She over complicates everything. She looks for nuances and glitches and loopholes in every situation; she needs a hundred people to validate every decision she makes; she searches for complexities where there are none. She is so busy searching for some kind of path- which she imagines will be all lit up with flares- that she has never paid attention to the most basic truths about who and what she is."
-You Made Me Love you: Joanna Goodman

I have exorcised the demons

I don't know where this foul mood came from. But its hung around too long. So I told it to bug off, and kicked its snarky ass out the door.

Sorry if you were on the receiving end. Guess I was having a pity party. I hate when I do that.

I don't feel like posting today. I'm gonna pay some bills, make some plans, and be productive. I always feel better when I stop thinking and start doing.

I hope you have a wonderful day. I mean that.

And the rain just keeps on fallin'

I'm not sad. But my knees are achy. And the nightmares are back. And the rain just won't quit.

But I'm not sad.

All the applications are in. This girl will be a teacher next school year. Finally. Lots of bad decisions had me putting off this career. But it's ok. There is a wheelbarrow of mistakes over in that corner that I'm going to plant in the ground, and grow big wildflowers over. I'm putting them to rest and letting something beautiful grow where something ugly once was.

And I'm not sad.

I hate this weather, but I also secretly like it. I love sweats, and socks, and having to stay close to stay warm. And I devour that smell the heat has when it first kicks on, and chimneys burning pine, and the promise of snow. But then I miss summer, and it's oh-just-walk-out-the-door-in-whatever laziness.

But I'm not sad.

And it's almost time for eleven days without my best friend. But it will be good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or at least that's what they say. And there will be Fajitas & Margaritas with my loveliest friend. And sushi with Mom. And a night out with the girls. And lots of organizing, and running, and shopping. And when he comes back, it will be better because I'll realize all over again that it's just not real until I get to share it with him.

So I'm not sad. Not sad at all.

Three Things

OneONEoneOneOneone

There is a fundamental gap between my brain, and my mouth. My brain to hand conduit however, is seamless. I can think, then type, and they match. But when I think then talk it's a four car collision of words.

I prefer to text rather than phone. Email rather than chat. Sit in silence rather than risk saying all the wrong things. Because I do in fact, say a lot of wrong things.

Oh to be mute.

TWoTwOTWOtwOtwoTWO

If no one else cared what I did, or what I looked like I think I would do what I do and look like what I look like. I have no problem with being a nanny, or the way I look. But sometimes I let myself get bogged down in others disappointments, expectations, and the constant demand to be something, and to look a certain way. I don't ever want my children to feel like that (if I'm blessed to have them).

THREEthreeThReethrEETHreEtHree

Oftentimes I will write a post, and then delete it because it's just too real. I think it's my best writing. But I just can't put that much out there. So I reign it in, make it lighter and hit publish.

A Veritable Buffet of Thoughts

Did you hear the one about the size 4, 5'10", 120lb model who was fired for being too fat?
Evidently Ralph Lauren just couldn't stomach such a "large" woman on their runways. I want to take her out for wine, and cake and tell her to forget them. The whole fashion industry disgusts me. I'm for health, and personal happiness. That's it.

*************************

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. As I was pulling into the spot next to the cart return, a woman, oblivious to my presence, pushed her shopping car to the return. Instead of pushing her cart all the way in, she left it jutting out, partially blocking the space so that I had to put my car in reverse and search for another parking space. This in itself, wasn't a problem. I wasn't in a hurry and I don't mind walking further. What shocked me was her absolute laziness. How difficult would it have been to push her cart further in, to simply take a second of her time to do a little bit more than the bare minimum.

As I walked past the cart return I moved her cart so that someone else could have the space. A little courtesy people. Please.

*********************************

Cute bf is going to be gone for 11 days in October. *sigh* Our first real time apart. I told him I'm going to dye my hair and get a dog while he's gone.

*********************************

I am SO very tired of having my phone calls to customer service outsourced to India and other countries. (and YES I confirmed with the agent on the phone that she was in fact, in India). The communication was so difficult that I had to hang up. We simply could not understand each other. Frustrating? Yes. Especially when the unemployment rate here in the U.S. is 9.8%. Lets bring some of these jobs home.

*********************************

When I win the Mega Millions I'm going to proceed like this:

1. Get a money manager
2.Pay off student loans
3.Pay off car, and get the car I really want.
4.Give money to family.
5. Keep my job. I like it.
6. Make plans to travel to 2 amazing places every year.
7. Find a charity to really get involved with. Time & Money.
8. Find someone who cannot afford college and set up a fund for them.I know how hard it is.
9. SAVE.

********************************

I've got a lucky feeling....let's see where this leads....

I'm a big fan of vacation

I'm NOT a big fan of working, and the day to day "stuff" of life. But we all have to put up with it (or society has us convinced we have to!) So here I am, back to the day to day. Cute bf and I spent a great 3 day weekend in Ocean City at the "Endless Summer" car show at the Inlet. The weather was (mostly) wonderful and a few people even got a little sunburn! It was the perfect way to cap off my birthday :) Thanks again to everyone for all of the birthday love. I feel very lucky.

We drove Cute bf's dad's 1931 Ford down to the beach (and only had to stop once for a blown fuse) "We lost power," is not something you want to hear while cruising along Route 50. But it was a quick fix, and we were on our way again in no time.

I could go into detail but I'm tired, and typing seems like a lot of effort so I'll sum it up: good food, good people, a lot of laughs, beautiful cars, great weather, and more. And if we could only have a video of cute bf's mom tripping on a grate and walking/stumbling out of her shoes, I'd be in heaven!

(My internet is acting up so I will post pictures as soon as I can!)

And then I saw this

War.

Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words. - Plautus

27 years. Don't they go by in a blink. This post will be a little taste of how I feel today. Happy. Grateful. Silly. Hopeful. Joyful. Goofy. Loved, Loving, and Crazy.

I've received emails, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, cards, and so much more. THANK YOU FOR THEM ALL! I can't tell you what it means to me.

My Gram called and sang to me, like she has every year, my whole life. She sings and laughs that wild, lough laugh that I proudly inherited and she makes me smile. You are the best Gram a girl could wish for. Connecticut is too far.

"And what I dream of is a man who will discover her, and that she will discover a man who will love her, who is worthy of her, who is of this world, of this time, and has the grace, compassion and fortitude to walk beside her as she makes her way through this beautiful thing called life." -Meet Joe Black
...and I have....

I bought a pair of leopard print flats. I love them passionately. They were a present to myself. I firmly believe in that. Take care of you.

"Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong."
-Rascal Flatts

Tonight is the family birthday dinner. I requested grilled salmon, and eggplant. It just isn't a birthday without Mom's cooking. So I'll leave work, grab cute bf, and head down the familiar roads to the place where I'll be celebrated and 27 won't seem so old. Mom will tell me the story of when I was born, her eyes brimming with tears like they do every year. And I'll try to picture her then, so young, bringing me into this world full of unknowns. And here I am years later, alive, happy, well-adjusted (HAHA!)

This is my New Year. I intend to celebrate. We're heading to Ocean City tomorrow morning for a long weekend. We're driving a 1931 Ford down that long highway to the annual car show on the coast. We'll eat crabs, and drink beer, and laugh, and walk the beach in the early morning. And I'll think again how lucky I am. How grateful I am for all that I have, for all that I do, for all that I am, and for all that will be.


"Tell me one person who it's worked out for." What, you want me to name someone? You want like a name? Oh, God, the pressure of a name... I got it. Cindafuckin'rella!" -Pretty Woman

The sun is shining. It's 71 degrees. It's a perfect day here in Maryland. I walked earlier listening to the kids on the playground, watching lazy leaves fall. I ran across a headstone. A headstone, partially covered by grass on the corner of a little road and a big road.
Frank H. Brown, it reads. He died in 1883. And I felt bad, because his headstone is on this corner, under this grass, neglected. I cleaned it off and sat down for a moment. To pay my respects to a man I never knew.Maybe he was a bastard and his family buried him here for payback. Maybe he was kind, and good and this used to be a beautiful open field under an oak tree. I'll never know. But I knew that I wanted to acknowledge this life, this person who once worried, and thought, and felt, and walked. I wanted him to know his life wasn't forgotten. If only for a moment.

What some folks call impossible, is just stuff they haven't seen before.
-What Dreams May Come

It all comes back to poo

"There's poop on your shoe. Ohmagod don't touch it! Eeeeeewwwwww!"
"Is it spider poo?"
"No I told you all the spiders moved to Florida for the summer."
"Why they move to Flodida?"
"Uh, what? Because they don't like the cold. Ok, can you wipe your shoe like this in the grass?"
(demonstrates wiping heel in blades, back and forth)
"Oh dis is fun! Look Miss Tiffany, the poo is spreading all around!"
"Ok, ok. Stop. DON'T TOUCH THE POO."
"Oh that's smelly. It smells real bad. AAAAAAHHHH!!"
"What? What? What's wrong?"
"A SPIDERWEB. AND A SCORPION!!"
"I highly doubt there's a scorpion."
"Huh?"
"There's no scorpion. They live in Brazil or something."
"Tanzania."
"What?"
"They live in Tanzania Miss Tiffany."
"Wha? How? When did you learn that?"
*three year old eye roll complete with deep sigh*
"I'm smart. That's how. I know lots of things. Sometimes you need my help."
a'int that the truth kiddo
"Ok hon, I'm gonna sit you on the step and take your shoes off, ok?"
"Ok, but I got poop on my socks too."
fanfreakintastic..
"Noooo problem. We just have to be quiet when we go inside, 'cause baby sister is sleeping, and mommy is working. So, inside voices!"
"Miss Tiffany?"
"Yes sweetie?"
"I gotta poop."

Two very different kinds of comfort

The first time I got drunk, it was on Southern Comfort in my ex-boyfriends kitchen. Me and Amanda drank straight from the bottle, perched on the counter. The party was tame compared to some others we'd been to, and go to later. It was the obligatory "My parents are out of town and I'm just having a few people over", kind of thing.

So we cracked open a bottle of the sweet liquor and drank deep. As the night went all warm, and fuzzy on me, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It floated in front of me on the wall, drifting left and then right. I re-applied my cherry chapstick and thought, so this is what drunk is, huh.

And then nothing.

I woke up hours later in a dark room.

"Tiff? Tiff wake up," my ex's voice through the dark.
"Your Mom's on the way."

Sobering up, I felt the first hot pull of fear. She's gonna kill me. But my arms and legs are lead. Dead. Weighted. And so I wait. And my incredibly sweet, good-hearted first ex-boyfriend sits on the edge of the bed and tells me that I drank too much and wanted to sleep. So he brought me upstairs and put me to bed. He went back downstairs, coming up occasionally from the party to check on me. (the other party-goers corroborated his kindness to me later)

But when I wouldn't wake up. When he nudged me, and shook me and I didn't budge, he panicked. And he called my Mom. Because she's the kind of Mom my friends feel comfortable calling.

I eventually got out of bed and walked outside. I remember it was chilly. Headlights washed over the front lawn, came up the hill. Climbing into the car I buckled my seat belt, silent. And though the details of most of the night are hazy at best I remember she didn't yell.

She never yelled.

And I was ashamed. Considered a convent ashamed.

We drove home, and at some point I went back to sleep. Morning brought my very first hangover. Death had to be near. Old sweatpants, a warm blanket, something on t.v.

And then there was Mom, with plain toast and a cup of hot tea. Salvation.

Somehow we made it through that. I learned that she really would come and get me, no matter what. That she would take care of me when I was in need. That she would let me grow up, and make all those little and all those big mistakes. And when I got in too deep, she'd make sure I knew, and learned my lesson.

But always, she'd be just around the corner with a hot cup of tea, head cocked slightly to the side saying, "You want to talk about it?"

Coolest Exhibit!

The B&O Museum in Baltimore has a great FREE exhibit all weekend courtesy of Disney (and my MOM!) Come out and see it. A winter wonderland in October. Will post more pics tomorrow when I have time.

Off to work the event (and play a little too)

Enjoy your Sunday!!

Fall for you; for me.

It's October. Sunny, funny Fall. The windows were open all night, so I woke up burrowed under covers. I love having warm toes, and a cold nose. A good chill in the air makes me think of football and homemade soup.

My birthday is coming up, October 8th. I'll be 27. Oh dear. May not seem old to some, but it's old to me. It's older than I expected to be if that can make sense.

I've not slept well for a while. That's odd for me. I usually sleep well, but not lately. Yes, I have some things on my mind. Problems I need to puzzle out. I've been avoiding that. Guess I can't any longer.

It's Friday, and it's time for a weekend. But I'm working all weekend. No one told me the American Dream would be such hard work.

But it's ok. I have enough to eat, warm clothes, and some really wonderful people around me. The rest will come.

My horoscope told me to have patience, that good things are on the way to me.

Fingers crossed.