Years ago

We grew up on a big farm. I've mentioned it before. There was a stream to play in, and hay bails to climb. And the barns smelled like old tobacco. It was a kid's greatest dream. In the summers friends would shout through the woods and we'd shout back, riding our bikes to try out their backyard or bringing them to our pool or trampoline for some summertime fun. In the winters there was always something to do. The four wheelers would pull us on saucers rigged with ropes in what was most certainly unsafe but always a thrill. And this one winter, maybe it was the blizzard of '96, I remember going with my older brother Nick to our friends house up the street. It was close by and we walked on the road, no cars were driving and the silence of snow was almost deafening. We trudged throwing half made snowballs at one another almost losing our balance in the drifts. We'd be gone for hours at a time, exploring the woods as if they were brand new and not just covered in the magic of snow.

My brother, seeing his friends ran ahead of me. Being the only girl in the immediate neighborhood I was always playing catch up, trying to be fast enough, strong enough and cool enough to be remembered. I soon lost sight of him in the blowing snow and tree branches. I waited a bit, looking around at the chimney's pumping out smoke into the hazy sky. The air was cold, but I could feel sweat beading on my forehead and I pushed back my hood. I sat down, feeling the snow all around me, reveling in the total freedom that only a kid can feel. Our neighborhood was always safe. Doors stayed open and unlocked. Kids would disappear for hours at a time , much to the parents delight I'm sure.

And then, hearing the boys voices raised I stood up, hoping to be included in the fun. I covered the distance quickly, ducking under bare branches and into a clearing and there I saw a much larger boy, Robert, grab my brother by the neck and shove his face into the snow. Hard, so he couldn't breathe. My brother, to me, was always larger than life. The person I emulated. The person I wanted to be. Smart, strong, fearless. But standing there, I saw him in a new light. And something in me snapped. Running towards them I screamed, "LET GO OF HIM NOW!!!" And I dove on the larger boy taking him by surprise. My fist connected with is face and I heard the crack of bone on flesh. I wailed on him, continuing to yell until my brother, no doubt mortified, stopped me with force.

I don't really remember what happened after this, other than being told to go home by a humiliated brother and annoyed neighborhood boys. But I'll never forget the way I felt walking home. Powerful. Alive. Like a real grown up.