To the woman in Safeway

Dear Angry Woman:

Suck an egg! But more appropriately, what on Earth was your problem?

I'll explain. Last night on my way home from work I stopped by the Safeway near my house to pick up a few essentials, toilet paper, milk, double fudge brownies, you know, the things I would need MOST in case aliens invaded and I was unable to leave my closet for weeks. As I pushed my squeaky wheeled shopping cart down the paper products aisle, my cell phone began to vibrate somewhere in the depths of my purse.

Normally, I'm not a "talk on the cell phone in public because I'm soooo important" kind of person, but it was a client I needed to speak with and hadn't been able to get ahold of. So I paused in Aisle 7, right by the Bounty paper towels and picked up. As I greeted Mr.Customer, angry lady came towards me in the aisle staring directly at me, her eyes widening as she honed in on my cell phone. Now, I'm a loud talker, I admit it, but I was trying to be discreet (especially as I'm soliciting personal information from my client such as credit history!) Angry woman was now standing directly in front of me and POINTING AT MY PHONE as if to say YOU, YOU THERE WITH THE ELECTRONIC DEVICE, YOU MUST DIE.

She pushed her cart past mine and as luck would have it, we ran into each other every aisle after that and each time we did, I'd dig out my cell phone and pretend to have some ridiculous conversation:

"Herpes?Really? I think that's just a pill though. Piece of cake."

"Yeah, he's NOT the father. Hey, if Maury Povich says so, IT HAS TO BE TRUE!"

"I don't think shoplifting is a crime if you REALLY want something and just can't afford it."

"No, I really think the left one is bigger than the right. It's like I'm a B-Cup here, and a C-Cup there- I'll let you feel them the next time we hang out."